Starting Over.

So, I started this blog with the best intentions.  I was going to write an entry at least 2 times a week and work furiously on crossing things off of my 101 in 1001 list.  One of those things was to have a baby.  I wasn't sure if I was ready, I guess I was waiting for God to magically send me a sign saying, "Hey!  Now you're ready!  Get on it!", but that never really happened.  I don't know if you are really sure that you're ready for such a life changing event but, Josh and I decided to just go with it, and see what happens.  That was in March, and in April I found out I was pregnant.  I was in shock, so much so, that I called my husband, who was having the worst night of his life at work.  Here's a synopsis of our conversation:

Me: OMG, I took a test, and it was POSITIVE!
Josh: What test?
Me: A pregnancy test!
Josh: Oh.  Really? Ok.
Me: Uh, yeah.

As you can probably tell, I wasn't entirely thrilled by his response, but in fairness, it was probably something I should have waited to tell him in person.  Luckily, he redeemed himself the next morning by bringing me flowers and card. :) I think we were both really surprised that it had happened so quickly, and we were scared shitless to think that we were having a kid, but still happy.  I had all of the pregnancy symptoms, but the nausea was the worst!  Zofran was my best friend, and I love my OB-GYN for giving it to me.

I had my first appointment at 7 1/2 weeks, and had my first ultrasound.  We were very excited to see a heartbeat, but the MD wanted me to come back in a week because the baby was measuring a little early. We didn't really think anything of it, and went off to Key West to celebrate our 5 year anniversary.  We had a great time in Key West and went back to the doctor to make sure everything was progressing.

Unfortunately, when we had the second ultrasound, they couldn't find a heartbeat.  I was devastated.  Having been in the medical field basically my entire life, I knew that miscarriage was extremely common.  I had witnessed it firsthand multiple times working in the ED, and knew that there was a chance that it could happen.  Because of this, I tried very hard not to get too excited, until we saw the heartbeat.  Then I allowed myself to get excited.  I had that one week, one glorious week, that I allowed myself to be excited about the baby.

I ended up having to have a D&C because my body still thought I was pregnant. This was probably a blessing in disguise, because I didn't have to deal with the "reality" of having a miscarriage, and all of the things associated with it.  I went into the hospital pregnant, and when I left, I wasn't.

Looking back, I realize now that I definitely was in a funk.  I have to thank God, my husband and family, and my crossfit family for helping me come out of my funk.  I realize now that you can't be afraid to try something again, just because you failed the first time.  My due date would have been this Monday, December 19th.  So, tonight, I think of what could have been, and although I am sad,  I am looking forward to see what the future brings, kids or not.  In essence, I'm "starting over", but this time, I will not let fear hold me back from living my life.  I'm excited to start checking things off my list again!